Confession and Revelation...

I found myself over the past couple of years feeling something not "quite right" in this seeming rat race of a life I seem to be living as so it feels at times. My life is full of blessings but somehow I find frustration with myself in that I let heartaches and disappointments sometimes overshadow what is good in my mind. This is a confession I must make. I toyed for many months making this post but my hope is that it may speak to someone else that might stumble across this blog that was searching for the same answer.
I have prayed for resolution and peace with this. It has been a while. I wondered why I have felt this way for so long when there is so much to be thankful for. I participated in a small group study this past year on the book Walking with God by John Eldredge. I admit that most of the book seemed a bit "out there" for me but for some reason I felt like I needed to finish it. It was page 184 of the 218 pages that I finally figured out why I was supposed to read it........

" And so, whatever else might be the reasons for our disappointments, there is no question that God uses them to draw us to himself. To wean our hearts from every other perceived source of life, so that we might come to find our life in him.
This may be why every one of us bears at least one major and lingering disappointment in our life. God knows what a danger it would be for us to think we've arrived. I'm remembering a scene in The Legend of Bagger Vance, where Bagger says to Junuh, "Ain't a soul on this entire earth ain't got a burden to carry that he don't understand." It might be health. Or a relationship. It might be a child, or the fact they have no child. Everyone has a cross to bear. Everyone. It serves to remind us every day that we cannot make life work the way we want. We can't arrive. Not completely. Not yet. It we'll let it, the disappointment can be God's way of continually drawing us back to himself.
I know that I faced a choice. I can feel it down inside, and I watch it take place in my heart. I can let my disappointments define my life. Or I can let them take me back to God, to find my life in him in ways I have not yet learned. The rest remains a mystery. But this is enough to know.
And so I break the agreement that I've made, that I need this. I give this place in my heart back to you, God. Fill me with your love and your life, in this very place. "

AMEN!